Inside My Own Mind

Inside my own mind
there is only you.

memories of better times long gone

nights like this are the worst
when all the work is done
and it's just me and my thoughts

looking lost at the theater
are you stefanie?
you looked so beautiful
that always makes me smile

the special request line
hockey games
not being alone on Christmas morning
holding hands
kissing until you knees got weak
living on 40 dollars a day
snowed in

trying and failing
and trying again
and losing it all

then one kiss one night
the flame was reborn
chattanooga
"You did good baby"

I won't bore you with the details
after all, you were there

and tonight all i'm left with
is you inside my own mind

i see your beautiful face, smiling at me
hovering just out of reach
i reach out to grab it or to push it away
i can't do either

i try to keep busy
keep you out
but it always comes back to you

how are you feeling?
what are you doing?
do you miss me?
or even think of me at all

something on tv reminds me of you
and i pick up my phone and remember
"Don't call me"
and i put the phone down
and go back into my own mind

and think about the woman that I loved more than no other
and the woman that i lost forever

that's all i have now
inside my own mind.

Picking your self up

"I had a run of bad luck.
I didn't always lose.
I won't always lose again
I can still fight"

Beacon

Sailing away in a tiny ship
Tossed into the waves of your heart
Stuck between a rock and a hard place
Trying to find a way though

Love Grows

love grows.

i was told today
that
love grows.

so true.

just when you think you've hit the top
and you can't love anymore....
you go to the next level.

something is said that makes
you shiver inside.
a good kind of chill
that sweeps into your very soul.

you think you can go without
seeing her for a period of time
but then that feeling comes...
that feeling of loneliness
longing
wishing
praying.

and when she gets there
all you want to do is wrap your arms
around her and squeeze her until
you become one.
you want to be as close to her as possible
for as long as possible.

your every thought is consumed by her.
you have to be with her
or suffer the consequences
of lonelines.

you never has these feelings for her
before.
i guess you weren't ready to notice her yet
or her you.
now you are.
and everything is falling into place
better than you ever expected
and you give yourself up to the feeling
because the feeling is so good that
you don't want it to stop
ever........

you ifnd yourself wondering...
can i love her more?
the answer is yes.

be amazing.

surprise her with every little thing.
every opportunity.
say that things you want her to hear.
whisper them into her ear.
give her goosebumps.
let her know you love her.

tell me that you love me
now and always
and i will give to you my love
now and always.

love me,
that's all i ask of you.

Coastline

i love the beach.

nothing better than to stroll along
hand in hand wh
the one you love
feeling the sand squish up
between your toes.

feeling the waves crash
upon the shore
as the cold water
races up your legs
and cools your soul.

finding shells
knowing what they are.

two words: cannonball jellyfish.

laing on the sand
listening to the methodical
march of the waves
so serene
so peacefull.

i love the beach.

if i could lay here all the
time i would.
no problem with that.

but for now
i will have to content myself
with brief visits
and value each moment
spent on the sand.

The End

sigh.

didn't think it would end like this.

out of the blue
and yet, it wasn't.

something building over time
it was going to happen
it was just who had the guts to say it first.
who had the "courage".

i guess it was me.

i hate it when it happens.
always at the worst times
like after spending a weekend together
her watching over me
making sure i was ok.

i feel like a shit.

which i am.

i was a bastard to her.
being cynical about relationships
going into it with a bad attitiude
oh, it's not going to last.
whatever.
think that way, and it won't.
it didn't.

i treated her like shit.
i should be beaten and left for dead.
she did not deserve me.
or is it, i should not have deserved her?
was she too good?

did we need each other?
what did we learn from this?
that relationships cannot be trusted?
they won't last?

i am in a rut.
i cannot escape.
i am comfortalbe in this rut.

i did not think that this would affect me as much
as it has been
i cannot stop thinking about it.
i miss her.
here i am
destroying her life, and now i miss her
and i am still using her!
i can't get to where i want to go.
i hate being dependant.
so i call her.
i am a shit.
she should not have to come when i call.
i want her to be mad.
i want to see something.
i don't want acceptance.
no way.
i deserve the anger
the resentment
i have had it everytime before
why not now?
why should now be any different?
i was the bad guy this time
i was evil.
i treated her like shit
and she came back.

i miss her.

sitting beside her in her car
resisting the urge to reach over and hold her hand
or the awkward silence before i leave
that always used to be filled with a kiss
and a hug.

i am very alone now.

hard to talk to anyone
they are all friends with both of us.
it wouldn't be fair to them.
or to her.

i want to be friends.
that would be nice.
but i want to have to work for that friendship.
i am used to having to earn it
that i don't want it given to me.

i do want it though.
that would be nice.

i miss her.

sigh.

Something That Occured to Me On The Way Home

Your name is the name of my destiny

written across the clouds

falls to the ground like rain

each drop whispers your name

echos in my skull

my heart beats in rhythm with your soul

Without You

Without you
I just might make it through
But not tonight
My broken shattered heart longs for an open highway
To take it somewhere anywhere
To get away from the hurt

Without you
I know things will be all right
Except for the hole left in my life
I reach for something and get nothing
Empty thoughts and gestures
Habits of love that go unfulfilled

Without you
My life will go on
Missing you when the nights get quiet
I hear every doubt in my mind
You're not good enough
You'll never be good enough

Without you
All signs point to a bright future
Now the landscape's bleak
Lonliness stretches out to the horizon
Pieces of my heart scattered on the side of the road
Gathering dust from each passing thought of you

Without you
It's really no big deal
I don't know what to do
What to feel
What to say
Sitting here along living my life

Without you

Healing

i am healing.
finally.

i am so fucking happy.

last stop,
everybody off.
shuffle off to the past
to the back of my mind.

all this time i thought i was over her.
not until now do i know
that i am.
i am healed.
the scars on my heart that
had blocked out my emotions
the horrible scars inflicted by myself
by m actions
on janurary 11, 1995
ripped my soul apart
worse than any gun or razor
could do.
made me ruin a friendship
me, my cold, unfeeling self.

it was too soon.
something to pass the time.
i loved her,
but not i could have.
not like i know i was capable of
not like i loved kelly.

but now...
i have come full circle
gone back in time.
i feel that excitement
that joy
that anticipation
that i felt two years ago.
only now i am wiser
and know better how to handle it.
to make it last
and to make it work.
dammit, it will work.
i feel too good right now for it not to.

i want to run around screaming and yelling and jumping for joy.
i want to call all my friends and tell them how
fucking good it feels to be free.
i want to tell nicole that i love her 1000 times and then 1000 times more.
i want to go out and hug random people
because i can.
i want to sing
i want to scream
i want to bust open and spill out all over the place
BECAUSE I AM HEALED!!!!

she loves me.
yes!!!!!!
i love her too.
i am so ready for this.
beware,
the king of cheese is coming back.
all hail the king, baby.

this emotional baggage that i had been carrying
around for so long is gone.
i didn't even know i had it until it left.
how in the world did i live with it for so long?
i sit hereand watch it being shuffled out
the front door of the ocean park hotel
out to a car bound for nowhere.
a car that i will wave goodbye to
and not miss when it's gone.

everything was in that baggage.
new york, clinton dorm, couches, all the promises,
the dreams, the distance, the pain, the bond.....
is broken.
again.
this time for good and always.

i'm so happy i can hardly write.
god, i need to write
i want to call her and tell her how much
i love her.
how much i care.
she thinks she has fallen hard?
i'll show you hard.
she's in my thoughts all day long.
i'm driving, i'm daydreaming about her.
remembering all we have been through,
and what is to come.
what is to come?
who cares?
all i know is i am damn excited about it.
i can't wait.
i want to go up to greenwood,
and hold her just to hold her.
i want her to be as happy as i am now.
i want it to go from me into her
so she feels so lifted
and so free
and so in love.
i want to hold her close
and breathe her in
so she fills all parts of me
and never exhale.
god, this is wonderful.

call the newpapers.
chupa is on the comeback trail.
new and improved
and better than ever.

the circle closes
and with it closes a chapter in my life
as another one opens.
one full of mystery, intrique
and of course romance.

thank you, nicole.

thank god it's over.

Smile For Me

smile for me
one last time before a close the door
before i have to come down to the real world and deal with stuff
smile with you mouth
your face
your eyes
your body
your heart.
smile.

tell me how much you love me
one more time before i fall asleep
so i can dream about you
and hold you tight
and suck you into my world.
open your heart
as i have mine
and fall...

kiss me
one
million more times
and make me feel so warm
so loved
so wanted.
light up my life
and never stop.

hold me
forever
and never let go.

tell me those three words
one more time before i explode
wisper them to me ever so softly
so i get chills
and grab you and kiss you deeply
remember those three words
when you are down
and they will lift you up.

share your life with me
all the time
and i will be there
holding you beside me
and i will look down to you
and i will smile
and i will be happy.

look into my eyes
one more time
and read what they say,
i love you.

smile for me
one last time
before i have to go
make me the luckiest man on earth.
smile and fill me up
and make me not want to leave
make me yours.

all these things i ask with one stipulation.
that i can do the same for you.

i love you, nicole.

never forget that.

Letter to A Friend

"i was just writing to say thank you.
for what you ask?
for everything
for caring
for loving
for not holding my hand
for letting me into your world
for giving me a chance
for competing with me in elemtary school
for dancing with me when i didn't know what i was doing
for the phone calls and letters that lifted me above it all
for having e-mail
for writing back
for reaching out to me and building that bridge
for going with me that weekend
for making me the envy of everyone (she looks good!)
for making it a wonderful weekend
for not wanting me to leave
for the pictures
for the hug
for being the person i always thought would were
and i want to thank you
for going to virginia beach
for going outside
for getting into the car
for not wanting to do it
even if it cost you your life.
thank you
for not letting me tell you i love you
for giving me the courage to not let it happen again
for letting me know who my friends are
for all the tears
for all the anger
for all the screaming
for all the rage
for all the suffering
for all of it.
i can't change what has happened
i wish i could
i don't know if i would stop what happened to you
it's a part of life, death
but i would tell you all that i wanted to
that night in your dorm room
who knows
things might be different now
but that's a job for quantum leap
i wish i could tell you all this in person
but i have to settle for this letter
maybe one day i will find you again
and i can tell you all i ever wanted to
and you can say, 'i know. i've always known'
and i can laugh
at how silly i was being
but until then
i am going to be silly
and i am going to miss you
and i am going to never forget you
so when that day comes
i want you to be waiting
and get comfortable
because i've got a lot to say.
see you soon,
mike"

God

saw a sunset today,
and in that sunset
i saw god.

been doing a lot of thinking
about my faith
and where i stand.

i don't believe in religon.
i'm not born-again,
and never will be.
i don't go to church.
i don't pray.
i'm not saying i won't.
just that i don't.

there is a god.
somewhere.
he's not in the collecting plate
at church.
he's not in the preacher on television
sunday morning.
he's not kneeling beside you at your bedside.

i don't believe in creation.
bang!
look, there's stuff.
whatever.

look at the fossils.
not everything was created all
at once.
no way.

i don't like religon
being forced upon me
by those damn bible beaters.
pray for everyone because it is your
mission to save the whole world.

i believe that there is a god
or
something
creating a purpose for us all.
none of us really leaves earth
until we have accomplished
what we were put here to do.

i believe everything happens for a reason.
it may not be apparent just yet
but it will someday.
we all ahve a destiny.

i find god
in sunsets
in a nice relaxing float down the river
in a perfectly built hickory wood fire
in my fraternity
in my girlfriend
in my friends.
i thank god
or whatever you call it,
for those things everyday.

you may not agree
with what i believe.
that' fine.
we're all entitled....

if we all had to believe the
same thing
then we would believe what our
leaders tell us.
spanish inquisition anyone?
we'd all by praying for the world.

what would that accomplish?

as long as everyone believes what
they feel is right
and stop being bossed around
we all would grow stronger
and maybe we'll all find god

in sunsets
in our families
in our lives.

Dream

six flags.
only it wasn't.

roller coaster going up
and down.
around the bend
faster
faster
up the hill
and stopped.

blinked.

inside a shelter or sorts.
swimming pool.
people exited the car
and got in.
splashing around
having fun.

looked around.
saw her.
jennifer evans.
just standing there.
and suddenly i knew

she was going to die.

she knew it too.

i gathered her up in my arms
hugged her.
in my mind,
two columns.
one was hugs.
one was seconds.

hugs were clear to see
148...149...150...
each time increasing
when i hugged jennifer.

seconds were veiled in fog
never quite clear.
i knew they were counting down
down to zero.
then she would be gone.
never knew how much time was left.

wanted to hug here as much as i could.
people spilled the coaster cars
into the pool.
i looked at them.
i turned back
and she was gone.

i ran to a phone.
called her.
she answered.

i told her to wait
don't go.
i've got something to tell you.
please don't go just yet.

she told me that she was leaving at 6.
watch said 5.
she would try to wait as long as she could
but after 6 ...
too bad.

i had to get home.
i had to tell her i loved her.
i had to go.
i had to tell her.
i had to leave before it was too late.
i had to get home.
i had to tell her.
i had to get home.
i had to get home.
i had to get home.
i had to get home.....

i woke up.

Grief

i lost a great friend last week.
saturday i buried her.

friday night i went to the
"giving of sympathy to the parents".

the room was softly lit
a pale light made everything look fuzzy.

i spoke to the parents
told them i was sorry
and that i will miss her.
i gave them a piece of me.
a piece of my writing
for jennifer.

i walked slowly toward the coffin.
it was so small.
i had forgotten how short she was.
i looked at the pictures
of her that were scattered around the room.
i smelled the flowers that littered the walls
and the floor.

this isn't happening.
it can't be happening.
it can't be her in that coffin.
the more i thought about it,
the more the reality of it all sank in.
she was really dead.
i was really here.
i wasn't dreaming.
i can't wake up!!!

old friends from high school
came to me.
i ignored them.
they weren't the reason why i was there.

i was there for her.

only her.

outside, the vultures circled
with their micophones
and their cameras
and their news vans
and their questions.
let us mourn in peace!!!

wanna know how i feel?
let me go kill your mother
then you'll know.
fucking vultures.

500 plus people
flooded the church
the next day.

and the fucking babtist minister ruined it by trying to recruit us.
if you don't accept jesus christ into your life,
you won't have a reservation in heaven like jennifer did
and you're going to hell.
FUCK YOU!!

can you feel the circle of life love tonight?

i will never watch that movie without crying again.

it wasn't enough.
not for her.
she was too special.
i really don't think anything short of a resurrection
would be enough in my eyes.

i loved her.

the coffin was wheeled outside.
and into the hearse.
then she was gone.
off to nowhere georgia.
to be buried.
rest in piece.

i wish i could.

every night i dream of her.
i dream of going back in time to save her
kinda like a quantum leap type thing.
i dream of her in elemtary school.
i dream of her laugh
her smile
i dream of her suffering.

her realization of what was happening to her.
what was really happening.
her clothes being ripped off.
raped.
the hands closing around her neck
tighter
tigh er
ti h er
ti h r
ti h
t h
t

black.

i can't get away from the images.
they come to me at all hours.
they wake me from my sleep
in a sweat and taunt me when i'm awake.
i can't stop thinking about it.
in all it's horror
i can't stop thinking.
my mind is wired.
it can't stop.
i can't stop.
i want it all to end.
i want to work through the pain
and move on.

i will never forget her.
i will never forget her face.
i will see it in my mind forever.

no quick fixes here. no way.

"i can feel the pain
that won't go away.
we can't change that she left us
but it's up to you to stay"

powerful words.

i will never forget her.

that i promise.

i will work toward healing
and remembering the good times.
until it seems fit that i join her
in the great beyond
where we can be together
and be friends for all eternity.

forever.

god, i miss her.

Jennifer Lea Evans (1974-1995)