The End

sigh.

didn't think it would end like this.

out of the blue
and yet, it wasn't.

something building over time
it was going to happen
it was just who had the guts to say it first.
who had the "courage".

i guess it was me.

i hate it when it happens.
always at the worst times
like after spending a weekend together
her watching over me
making sure i was ok.

i feel like a shit.

which i am.

i was a bastard to her.
being cynical about relationships
going into it with a bad attitiude
oh, it's not going to last.
whatever.
think that way, and it won't.
it didn't.

i treated her like shit.
i should be beaten and left for dead.
she did not deserve me.
or is it, i should not have deserved her?
was she too good?

did we need each other?
what did we learn from this?
that relationships cannot be trusted?
they won't last?

i am in a rut.
i cannot escape.
i am comfortalbe in this rut.

i did not think that this would affect me as much
as it has been
i cannot stop thinking about it.
i miss her.
here i am
destroying her life, and now i miss her
and i am still using her!
i can't get to where i want to go.
i hate being dependant.
so i call her.
i am a shit.
she should not have to come when i call.
i want her to be mad.
i want to see something.
i don't want acceptance.
no way.
i deserve the anger
the resentment
i have had it everytime before
why not now?
why should now be any different?
i was the bad guy this time
i was evil.
i treated her like shit
and she came back.

i miss her.

sitting beside her in her car
resisting the urge to reach over and hold her hand
or the awkward silence before i leave
that always used to be filled with a kiss
and a hug.

i am very alone now.

hard to talk to anyone
they are all friends with both of us.
it wouldn't be fair to them.
or to her.

i want to be friends.
that would be nice.
but i want to have to work for that friendship.
i am used to having to earn it
that i don't want it given to me.

i do want it though.
that would be nice.

i miss her.

sigh.