Grief

i lost a great friend last week.
saturday i buried her.

friday night i went to the
"giving of sympathy to the parents".

the room was softly lit
a pale light made everything look fuzzy.

i spoke to the parents
told them i was sorry
and that i will miss her.
i gave them a piece of me.
a piece of my writing
for jennifer.

i walked slowly toward the coffin.
it was so small.
i had forgotten how short she was.
i looked at the pictures
of her that were scattered around the room.
i smelled the flowers that littered the walls
and the floor.

this isn't happening.
it can't be happening.
it can't be her in that coffin.
the more i thought about it,
the more the reality of it all sank in.
she was really dead.
i was really here.
i wasn't dreaming.
i can't wake up!!!

old friends from high school
came to me.
i ignored them.
they weren't the reason why i was there.

i was there for her.

only her.

outside, the vultures circled
with their micophones
and their cameras
and their news vans
and their questions.
let us mourn in peace!!!

wanna know how i feel?
let me go kill your mother
then you'll know.
fucking vultures.

500 plus people
flooded the church
the next day.

and the fucking babtist minister ruined it by trying to recruit us.
if you don't accept jesus christ into your life,
you won't have a reservation in heaven like jennifer did
and you're going to hell.
FUCK YOU!!

can you feel the circle of life love tonight?

i will never watch that movie without crying again.

it wasn't enough.
not for her.
she was too special.
i really don't think anything short of a resurrection
would be enough in my eyes.

i loved her.

the coffin was wheeled outside.
and into the hearse.
then she was gone.
off to nowhere georgia.
to be buried.
rest in piece.

i wish i could.

every night i dream of her.
i dream of going back in time to save her
kinda like a quantum leap type thing.
i dream of her in elemtary school.
i dream of her laugh
her smile
i dream of her suffering.

her realization of what was happening to her.
what was really happening.
her clothes being ripped off.
raped.
the hands closing around her neck
tighter
tigh er
ti h er
ti h r
ti h
t h
t

black.

i can't get away from the images.
they come to me at all hours.
they wake me from my sleep
in a sweat and taunt me when i'm awake.
i can't stop thinking about it.
in all it's horror
i can't stop thinking.
my mind is wired.
it can't stop.
i can't stop.
i want it all to end.
i want to work through the pain
and move on.

i will never forget her.
i will never forget her face.
i will see it in my mind forever.

no quick fixes here. no way.

"i can feel the pain
that won't go away.
we can't change that she left us
but it's up to you to stay"

powerful words.

i will never forget her.

that i promise.

i will work toward healing
and remembering the good times.
until it seems fit that i join her
in the great beyond
where we can be together
and be friends for all eternity.

forever.

god, i miss her.

Jennifer Lea Evans (1974-1995)