Healing

i am healing.
finally.

i am so fucking happy.

last stop,
everybody off.
shuffle off to the past
to the back of my mind.

all this time i thought i was over her.
not until now do i know
that i am.
i am healed.
the scars on my heart that
had blocked out my emotions
the horrible scars inflicted by myself
by m actions
on janurary 11, 1995
ripped my soul apart
worse than any gun or razor
could do.
made me ruin a friendship
me, my cold, unfeeling self.

it was too soon.
something to pass the time.
i loved her,
but not i could have.
not like i know i was capable of
not like i loved kelly.

but now...
i have come full circle
gone back in time.
i feel that excitement
that joy
that anticipation
that i felt two years ago.
only now i am wiser
and know better how to handle it.
to make it last
and to make it work.
dammit, it will work.
i feel too good right now for it not to.

i want to run around screaming and yelling and jumping for joy.
i want to call all my friends and tell them how
fucking good it feels to be free.
i want to tell nicole that i love her 1000 times and then 1000 times more.
i want to go out and hug random people
because i can.
i want to sing
i want to scream
i want to bust open and spill out all over the place
BECAUSE I AM HEALED!!!!

she loves me.
yes!!!!!!
i love her too.
i am so ready for this.
beware,
the king of cheese is coming back.
all hail the king, baby.

this emotional baggage that i had been carrying
around for so long is gone.
i didn't even know i had it until it left.
how in the world did i live with it for so long?
i sit hereand watch it being shuffled out
the front door of the ocean park hotel
out to a car bound for nowhere.
a car that i will wave goodbye to
and not miss when it's gone.

everything was in that baggage.
new york, clinton dorm, couches, all the promises,
the dreams, the distance, the pain, the bond.....
is broken.
again.
this time for good and always.

i'm so happy i can hardly write.
god, i need to write
i want to call her and tell her how much
i love her.
how much i care.
she thinks she has fallen hard?
i'll show you hard.
she's in my thoughts all day long.
i'm driving, i'm daydreaming about her.
remembering all we have been through,
and what is to come.
what is to come?
who cares?
all i know is i am damn excited about it.
i can't wait.
i want to go up to greenwood,
and hold her just to hold her.
i want her to be as happy as i am now.
i want it to go from me into her
so she feels so lifted
and so free
and so in love.
i want to hold her close
and breathe her in
so she fills all parts of me
and never exhale.
god, this is wonderful.

call the newpapers.
chupa is on the comeback trail.
new and improved
and better than ever.

the circle closes
and with it closes a chapter in my life
as another one opens.
one full of mystery, intrique
and of course romance.

thank you, nicole.

thank god it's over.